.:I Am A Star:.

7.29.2004

he took the risk...

setting: this guy Holden (sha yung nagsabi ng quote sa ibaba) falls
in love with his lesbian friend... tapos ung scene, bibilhan dapat
nung shibs (shibs = lesbian) si Holden ng painting... parang
tinuturuan niya pano tumawad, makipagbargain... tapos parang sabi
nung girl kay Holden na ung painting "is to remind you of us"...
then comes this line...

-----
I love you. And not in a friendly way, although I think we're great
friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although
I'm sure that's what you'll call it. And it's not because you're
unattainable.

I love you. Very simple, very truly. You're the epitome of every
attribute and quality I've ever looked for in another person. I know
you think of me as just a friend and crossing that line is the
furthest thing from an option you'd ever consider. But I can't do
this any longer. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold
you. I can't look into your eyes without feeling that longing you
only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you
without wanting to express my love for everything you are. I know
this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had
to say it, because I've never felt this before, and I like who I am
because of it. And if bringing it to light means we can't hang out
anymore, then that hurts me. But I couldn't allow another day to go
by without getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by
the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And I'll
accept that But I know some part of you is hesitating for a moment,
and if there is a moment of hesitation, that means you feel something
too. All I ask is that you not suppress that - at least for ten
minutes - and try to dwell in it before you dismiss it. There isn't
another soul on this fucking planet who's ever made me the person I
am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance
to take it to the next plateau. Because it's there between you and
me. You can't deny that. And even if we never speak again after
tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of you and what
you've meant to me, which - while I do appreciate it - I'd never need
a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of...

alix | 8:00:00 PM

--***--
7.27.2004

we shouldn't ask questions we don't want to hear the answers to..
   TRUE, so true...

i believe...

   ...na dapat alam natin kung hanggang kelan mag-hold on, at kung kelan dapat mag-let go

   ...na lahat tayo may karapatang malungkot, at may karapatan din tayong mag-grieve in oir own ways

   ...that it's okay to admit needing people

   ...that the worst way to miss somebody is when that somebody is right beside you and you know very well you can't have them

   ...that jokes are ALWAYS half meant [more so the truth]. to avoid arguement, laging i-multiply sa zero

   ...that i only have space in my life for those taht MATTER to me

   ...that there is nothing wrong with ADMITTING that i want to be loved - everybody else wants to be loved

   ...that in dreams kasi there are somethings i can only get there, some places i can only visit there and some people i can only have there and only there

   ...that anything less than love is a waste of time...there are so many mediocre things in life, and love shouldn't be onoe of them

alix | 5:35:00 PM

--***--
7.22.2004

live a crazy life, LoL
go boing boing, i don't care
ugh, i don't know what to say!!!!!!
it's so BORING...
need someone to tease!!!!
LoL

alix | 6:43:00 PM

--***--
7.17.2004

... inside i feel hate, as everthing turns frail,
    can't seem to hide it,
    my anxiety to the world...
    help me forget it,
    my problems, turn them to ash,
    keep me alive,
    keep me alive inside,
    and keep your love from fading away...
is it?... a remorse feeling about something... i can't seem to know what, neither can i see the reasons why...

it's something like, i can say, a series of unfortunate events... really unfortunate... a handfull of really BAD THINGS that is happening to me since, well weeks ago..

can't anybody say it in like forthright something?? so we can get it over and done with!!

since i know everybody's getting really touchy feeling about it... and before anybody burst like some water bomb and get us all wet... eww...

things are getting out of hand really, it's getting annoying too...

oh well.... so much, so much!!

alix | 4:49:00 PM

nung una wala lang, parati lang kayong
magkasama..

wala kasi kaibigan lang naman..

walang tinatago kahit kanino, kaya lakad dito,
punta dun, pasama kahit saan..

ang sama sama mo pa nga sa kanya, kasi parang
wala kang pakialam..

naiinis ka pa nga kung bakit ang kulit kulit nya
sa isang araw nakakalimang tawag sya sayo..

wala lang kung anu ano lang pinaguusapan..

pagnagkikita naman ang lambing lambing nya
sayo..ikaw pa naman yung taong hindi sanay sa
ganon..kaya parati mo syang binabara..

tapos isang araw, mapapansin mo na lang na
hinahanaphanap mo sya..

bigla ka na lang mapapangiti pag naaalala mo ang
mga ginagawa nyo noon..

pagmagkaharap kayo napapansin mo na yung mga
bagay na dati di mo nakikita..

ang tangos pala ng ilong nya, ang haba ng pilik
mata..

ang ganda pala nyang ngumiti, ang pula ng mga
labi..

pagmagkasama kayo komportableng komportable ka..

alam mong binabantayan ka nya..

alam mong isa kang prinsesa..

alam mong walang mananakit sayo..

pero kung dati wala kang pakialam, ngayon lahat
sayo may dahilan..

hindi ka lang mabati, bigyan ka lang ng kendi..

tanungin ka lang kung kumain ka na, hindi man
lang tumawag

malaking bagay na yun sayo!

buong gabi tinatanong mo sarili mo BAKIT KAYA
NYA
GINAGAWA YUN?

tapos sasabihin mo sa sarili mo, magkaibigan
lang
kayo!

kaibigan lang ang tingin mo sa kanya..

kaibigan lang din ang tingin nya sayo..

oo nga naman magkaibigan kasi kami..

dadaan ang mga araw, magpapatuloy ang ganyan..

hindi mo maintindihan bakit ganun ang
nararamdaman mo..

tapos sasabihin mo sa sarili mo, magkaibigan
lang
kayo!

lahat ng nakapaligid sayo nagtatanong,
nangaasar,
nagungulit

tinatanong kung ano ba talaga kayo..

paguwi mo sa bahay paghiga sa kama, hindi
makatulog..

tatanungin mo din ang sarili mo ano ba talaga
kami?

tapos sasabihin mo sa sarili mo, magkaibigan
lang
kayo!

tapos biglang mapapansin mo na lang na bigla
syang nagbago..

hindi na parang nung dati, iniiwasan ka na nya..

hindi ka na kinakausap, ni di ka nga matingnan..

ano kaya ang nangyari, may ginawa ka ba na
kinagalit nya?

yan ang mga tanong na madalas na naiiwan sayo..

mga tanong na walang kasagutan..

kung meron man, isang tao lang ang makakasagot..

hindi ang bestfriend mo, hindi ang kapatid mo..

ang kaibigan mo lang..pero kaya mo bang
itanong?

tapos sasabihin mo kaibigan lang naman, gusto ko
lang magtanong..

tapos bigla ka na lang
matatakot..mahihiya..maiilang..

tapos sasabihin mo kaibigan lang naman..

biglang isang araw nagkaroon ka ng lakas ng loob
na lapitan sya..

paglapit mo, di ka makapagsalita, di ka
makatingin sa mata nya..

pero pinilit mo pa din, kahit mahirap..

palayo ka na, hindi mo na alam kung saan ka
papunta..

naglalakad ka na parang tumatakbo, pero walang
direksyon..

biglang hinawakan mo ang libro mo ng mahigpit at
tumungo..

di mo inaasahang tumulo ang mga luha sa iyong
mga
mata,

bigla kang natawa..

sabi ko nga kaibigan LANG..

alix | 6:12:00 PM

gaano katagal makalimutan ng isang tao ang mahal niya?
ang mahal niyang ginago naman siya at iniwan para sa iba.
gaano rin katagal bago malaman niya na meron namang nagmamahal sa kanya ng lubos?
lubos pa sa inaakala niyang kayang ibigay ng dati niyang mahal.
gaano katagal maghihintay at pagmamasdan ang taong iyon bago malaman at mapansin na nasa
tabi ka lamang niya?
Hindi ba niya makita o maramdaman lamang na nasa tabi niya lang ako?
na habang nagluluksa siya at naghihirap ako rin ay nagkakaganoon.
na habang nasasaktan siya nasasaktan rin ako?
na sa lahat ng luha na binuhos niya, dugo ng palad ko ang katumbas.
mga sugat na matagal humilom, lahat nag-iiwan ng marka sa kamay ko.
lahat ng sakit na dinaranas niya doble ang nararamdaman ko.
ganito ba ang kapalit ng m pagmamahal na binibigay ko?
puro pasakit, wala man lang ginhawa sa buhay.

ang tanging bagay na nagpapatuloy sa akin ay ang pangarap na balang araw ay mamahalin rin niya ako. balang araw mapapansin rin niya ako!
na sa bawat minuto ng araw ako iniisip niya, at sa bawat gabi ng pagtulog nia ako ang napapanaginipan niya.

sapat na iyon para ipagpatuloy ko ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya. kahit MALABO, sige, patuloy parin. kahit MASAKIT, di bale na iyon, makita ko lang siyang ngumiti at tumawa. at kahit MATAGAL, maghihintay parin ako...
gaano pa man iyon...

alix | 6:18:00 PM